bombing for peace

I dont know why I cant write on a piece of paper that has those lines from when I wrote too hard on the previous sheet, or the corner is dented, or theres a little water mark. I mean, I know I could write a little less hard, or be a little more careful with my notebooks, but I dont bother. So, I resort to wasting countless pages of paper, and now Im typing. I figure that doesnt waste anything but energy and theres plenty of that to go around.

This seems to be the case with most areas of my life. There are things that I absolutely cannot stand and make life very tough, but I do nothing to change it.

I pass up great opportunities and people only because they are not perfect. I find a fault and it starts to bug me and shroop, out the window.

I need to realize that none of us are perfect, we will all make mistakes. I am missing out on my life because I cannot forget all those bad things. I cannot forgive certain folk.... Or myself.

I try really hard. I really do. But there is so much hurt in my heart that I dont feel like i deserve the good things when they actually happen.

It brings me to a terrible place.

I slowly push everyone I love away.

Its a proved pattern.

One way or another, I offend people or I just drop them like a rock.

Im not sure why, because I love people, I love getting to know people and being with people.

Its getting CLOSE to people.

Being vulnerable.

Its terrifying for me.

I know I can do better.

I know I can be who I really am inside... without all the hurt and anger.

I know that i have hurt people.

I wish that I could take it all back.

But I guess thats a part of life.

And through it all there is good.

I want to find Jesus again.

I found Luke Taylor.

I want to find myself again.

I found love.

Here we go.

TJ Reil.

Round 2.

or is it 7?